Sunday, November 22, 2009

the fatigue monster.

Fatigue. Exhaustion. The feeling of being so TIRED that you simply cannot get out of bed, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you push yourself. This is how Mr. M ALWAYS feels. And it drives me crazy.

When he was first diagnosed, Mr. M suddenly became tired. ALL THE TIME. We were still newlyweds, and this behavior hit me hard. He was too tired to do anything. I was bored out of my mind, waiting for him to wake up so that we could do something. Anything. Talk, go out, anything was better than waiting for him all day. One of the biggest things that bothered me about MS was the fatigue. It changes a person. My sweet, adoring husband was a different man. Different from the one I had married. I was so devastated with his diagnosis, it put me in a deep depression. But I allowed it to. I wasn't as strong then as I am now, or maybe I always was, but I had to go through that trial to realize my inner strength.

Today is one of those days. He can't get out of bed. But sometimes I wonder if he just doesn't try hard enough. I feel like I am always trying. Trying to understand his pain, his depression, his fatigue, his mental faculties that he has lost. When I see him, lying in bed, it makes me angry. I feel like everything is up to me. I have to take care of the house, the children, the bills, everything. And all he does is sleep. But I know that that is the nature of the beast. I miss the support groups that we used to have where we once lived. Here there is nothing.

He has tried all kinds of medications in hopes that he could fight the fatigue more easily. Provigil, Dex, Ephedra, B-12 vitamins, 5 hour energy shots, and caffeine. Nothing seems to really work. Provigil is supposed to be one of the best meds out there, but it stopped working for him. Even his new drug, the Dex, doesn't live up to our expectations. It's almost as if this monster is unstoppable. How do you fight it? I don't think you can. I urge him to take his medications everyday, in hopes that they will work, that he will muster up enough energy just so he can get out of bed. But they don't always help. This is why he can't work. This is why he needs social security. This is why I am going back to school, to support our family. This is one of those days...

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