Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Today I have felt so angry. Mr. M went to bed before 9:00 last night. We usually spend time together at night. It is our time to be alone, without the kids running around. We talk, watch TV or a movie, and just enjoy each others company. But on the days when he is extra tired, he goes to bed early. I should be grateful that he went to bed after 8pm. There have been many times where he has been so exhausted that he couldn't even make it to dinner. Still, I was being selfish and wanted more time with him last night. One of my biggest problems I have with his fatigue is that I feel lonely when he is asleep. I feel like the dreamworld gets to see him more than I do. Mr. M is fully aware of how I feel, and last night he promised me that he would wake up early this morning and help me with some errands.
But when morning came, he couldn't do it. Again, I was left alone. Again, I was promised that he would be there for me, and he wasn't. I took the girls to school, hoping that he would be able to get up when I got back. Instead, I said some hurtful things to him and went on my way. I felt like crying, but I had to be somewhere public, someplace where people knew me and would ask what was wrong. So I held it in and kept my sunglasses on, just in case. Sometimes I hate living like this. I wish my life was more "normal." I wish my husband was healthy.
Today I have been so bitter. I know I have so much to be thankful for. I am blessed to be a wife and mother. I am blessed to know that there is a God, who loves us, cares for us, and provides for us. And I have been blessed with wonderful friends. As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, I am going to try and focus on the good. I know it helps to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes it is hard. I need to remind myself of the wonderful blessings that abound in my life.