Saturday, May 1, 2010

why?

I've been pretty cranky today. Last night, my little girl had to go to the ER for what everyone thought was either appendicitis or a UTI. No one thought I should wait until Monday, so I went. It was 10:30 pm. Mr. M and my other little girl stayed home and went to bed. We got checked in and then waited for our turn. The wait wasn't too long, which I was pretty happy about, seeing as I had been awake since 5:00 am that morning, taking Mr. M to Miami. Let's just say I was pretty exhausted and did NOT want to spend the night in the ER.

Well, we ended up coming home at 2:30 am. I was wiped. She turned out to just have an ear infection, so I guess it was a "better safe than sorry" trip. I fell into bed and was pretty sure that Mr. M would take care of things in the morning for me, since I was SO tired. I was wrong.

Sure, he got up a couple times to help the girls with a couple things, but as soon as he was done, he plopped right back into bed. The kids kept coming into our room, crying, whining, and needing something, and I really hate to just lay there when I know Mr. M will tell them "just a minute" and never get up. So I got up. I took care of my little peeps, and then I got mad at Mr. M. He knew I was tired. He knew I had been out all night. Still, he was more tired, and he couldn't get up.

Sometimes I think that I should just take it, and not complain so much. I am the mom, after all. Isn't it my job to take care of the kids, the house, and everything else all by myself? We often fight about how other moms do it-why can't I? But they don't walk in my shoes. And for whatever reason, no matter how hard I try, I am just not that person.

Then I think, "Why am I still here?" "What am I getting out of this relationship?" I feel like all I do is drive Mr. M around. I take him to school, I take him to the doctor. Then I take myself to school, do my homework, clean the house, do the shopping, cook the food, and take care of the kids. I feel empty physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel like he does nothing to fill any of those voids. I always thought that relationships were supposed to be a two-way street, but I feel like ours is one-way.

I don't mean to come down on him. He does help me occasionally. So why do I need more? For whatever reason, the little things that he does do just isn't enough for me. Maybe I am the bad guy. Maybe I need to be more understanding. Maybe I am a sucky caregiver. I love him. I care about him. But sometimes it is so hard when I feel all alone in this. We are currently looking for a marriage counselor. I think it will do us some good.

3 comments:

  1. Do you think if you looked at him as if he was your sick old grandpa that it would lower your expectations? I mean, what if you were a single mom, college student, and a full-time geriatric nurse? You would not expect any help from your old grandpa, you know?

    It's like with my husband, if I just stop expecting help from him, then we can be happier. ha! like I could stop expecting help. Even if I don't get vocally angry, deep down I still expect that somehow he should be helping at home.

    I'm so sorry--it can't be easy to lose the person you married (a strong, healthy companion)and now you have the whole world on your shoulders. Go ahead and complain; your feelings are valid! I'm glad you're looking for marriage counseling. Your girls need you to be sane!!!!!

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  2. I wrote a whole long comment, and it got erased. Hmmmm...I'll just have to call and tell you what I said!

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