why?

I've been pretty cranky today. Last night, my little girl had to go to the ER for what everyone thought was either appendicitis or a UTI. No one thought I should wait until Monday, so I went. It was 10:30 pm. Mr. M and my other little girl stayed home and went to bed. We got checked in and then waited for our turn. The wait wasn't too long, which I was pretty happy about, seeing as I had been awake since 5:00 am that morning, taking Mr. M to Miami. Let's just say I was pretty exhausted and did NOT want to spend the night in the ER.

Well, we ended up coming home at 2:30 am. I was wiped. She turned out to just have an ear infection, so I guess it was a "better safe than sorry" trip. I fell into bed and was pretty sure that Mr. M would take care of things in the morning for me, since I was SO tired. I was wrong.

Sure, he got up a couple times to help the girls with a couple things, but as soon as he was done, he plopped right back into bed. The kids kept coming into our room, crying, whining, and needing something, and I really hate to just lay there when I know Mr. M will tell them "just a minute" and never get up. So I got up. I took care of my little peeps, and then I got mad at Mr. M. He knew I was tired. He knew I had been out all night. Still, he was more tired, and he couldn't get up.

Sometimes I think that I should just take it, and not complain so much. I am the mom, after all. Isn't it my job to take care of the kids, the house, and everything else all by myself? We often fight about how other moms do it-why can't I? But they don't walk in my shoes. And for whatever reason, no matter how hard I try, I am just not that person.

Then I think, "Why am I still here?" "What am I getting out of this relationship?" I feel like all I do is drive Mr. M around. I take him to school, I take him to the doctor. Then I take myself to school, do my homework, clean the house, do the shopping, cook the food, and take care of the kids. I feel empty physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I feel like he does nothing to fill any of those voids. I always thought that relationships were supposed to be a two-way street, but I feel like ours is one-way.

I don't mean to come down on him. He does help me occasionally. So why do I need more? For whatever reason, the little things that he does do just isn't enough for me. Maybe I am the bad guy. Maybe I need to be more understanding. Maybe I am a sucky caregiver. I love him. I care about him. But sometimes it is so hard when I feel all alone in this. We are currently looking for a marriage counselor. I think it will do us some good.

it's not my fault.

It's no secret around here that I have been seriously depressed. It's also no secret that I am trying like hell to stay positive and make the best of my life. Lately I've been realizing some things about myself. Things that I used to see, but somehow got clouded along the way. Like how smart I am. Yes, me. I'm actually pretty smart! I mean, I already have a BA degree, and now I'm working on getting a nursing degree. Smart, right?

It may seem stupid, but I really have had a hard time believing in myself. And I couldn't figure out why. My self-esteem used to be much, much higher. People used to accuse me of being conceited. I'd tell them I wasn't; that I just had a really good self-esteem. And I think that that is important.

So the other day I was looking at the VA website for people with MS, and came across a section just for caregivers. I read through it, and immediately felt a little better about myself. I realized that being a caregiver means that before you can care for someone else, you first have to take care of yourself. (Ok, I already knew that, but it's easy to forget.) And I have a confession to make--I have NOT been taking care of myself. FOR. A. LONG. TIME. I always put everyone else first. My kids, my husband, even the cat! I eat the kids' leftovers, buy myself clothes only when I absolutely HAVE to, and don't even put on makeup half the time. I leave the house with wet hair, never styled. I don't give myself any "me time."

Fellow caregivers, I have been in the WRONG.

As a caregiver, you simply have to take care of yourself first. If you don't, you will in no way be able to take care of your loved one. You need rest, exercise, alone time, and you need to reward yourself on occasion. I have let myself go. I am now overweight, with high triglycerides, and on the brink of having fatty liver disease. I am always sick with a cold or cough. I am always tired. For years I have been blaming myself, but now I see that while it was me that did this damage, it is not my fault. I was putting everyone else first. My self-less acts turned into my stresses, which have now turned into my own demons. Don't let this happen to you.

Now that I have told you the bad, I need to tell you the good. First of all, I have recognized my problems and have made a plan to do something about it. That in itself is an accomplishment. Second, I have started to implement that plan into my daily life. I am going to a Zumba class twice a week. I am eating smarter. I am (slowly) banning sugar from my diet. And I have a friend who is going to hook me up with a new meal program called "Medifast" as soon as I can afford it. I am ready to fight this battle and slay my demons. Are you with me?

have you ever seen anyone sleep THAT much?

Last week, Mr. M had a plethora of appointments at the VA. We're talking three days in a row, people! It was c-razy. One of them was even at 7:30 in the morning, which meant that we had to leave home around 6:00 am. NOT our idea of fun.

But we did it. We went to the appointments, and even showed up on-time. However, by the third day, we were EXHAUSTED. I was tired from driving all over creation, and he was tired because, well, he's always tired. So we missed the appointment on the third day. I had a hard time getting up that morning, but I eventually did. Mr. M, however, did not get up. AT ALL. I tried to wake him, and he tried to mumble something about not getting up, so I let him sleep. I went about my day, and then picked up the kids from school. At that time, I then tried to wake him up again. I figured he'd had enough time to sleep. I was wrong. I got no response from him. I began to get a little annoyed, as I often do when I am left to watch my husband do nothing but sleep. But I realized that we had both had a rough couple of days, so this time I let it go. That night, Mr. M finally emerged from his slumber, just long enough to eat some dinner and use the bathroom. Then it was right back into bed! "HOW can you STILL be tired?!" I exclaimed. He just was. So I figured I'd spend the evening alone (after those kiddos went to bed, of course) and hopefully do something fun the next day, which was Saturday.

I woke up early with the kids. We ate breakfast and watched some Saturday morning cartoons. Around 11:00, I realized that we hadn't seen or heard anything from the daddy. I went to check on him. (Snore, Snore) He was still sleeping. I asked him if he was going to get up today. He said "maybe later." "Oh." I was sad. I had planned on cleaning and rearranging the house a week ago, and never got to it, and now that it was Saturday, I finally had my chance, so I took it. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. It's amazing how dirty/cluttered your house can get when you are NEVER home! I threw TONS of stuff away-kind of like Spring Cleaning. Then I started to tackle the furniture rearranging. I couldn't do it. I just wasn't strong enough. I needed Mr. M's help. I tried to get him up. He wouldn't move. I begged, I pleaded, but still nothing. So there I was, house mostly cleaned up, with the furniture spread out everywhere. I finally just gave up. And you know what? Mr. M did NOT emerge from his bear cave. Never have I seen him so tired. Never has he slept all weekend long. (Well, maybe he has, and I just don't remember it.) I blame the VA, as I like to do, (you know they are a blessing AND a curse). The ones who are supposed to be helping him are often his accomplices in pain. Oh well. What can you do?

I still don't see how anyone can be that tired. I don't think I ever will. I've spent nearly 10 years trying to understand MS. Maybe I never will. Maybe that makes me a bad caregiver. Sometimes I just get so wrapped up in the "It's Not Fair" campaign. I try not to. I know that only makes me depressed, and I truly do have so much to be grateful for. But sometimes I can't help it. I am, after all, only human.

where have i been?

Well, I've been depressed. The overwhelming feelings of moving 3 months ago, being sick, going to school, having no money, and being a caregiver were too much for me to bear. But I am feeling better and am now trying to get back on track. (At least emotionally, that is. I now have a nasty sinus infection after having a nasty stomach flu earlier this month. Does the sickness ever end?!)

In the meantime, we have successfully completed yet another round of good old Tysabri in Miami, hired lawyers and been officially accepted as clients for getting Social Security Disability, and found some new therapy (the psychology kind) options for Mr. M. Things are looking up.

I am managing straight A's in school, and have even unpacked more boxes and organized a little more. Yes, things ARE looking up.

P.S. I am now going to have to pre-approve all comments, as I have been getting weird Chinese? ones, which translate to things such as "toilet" or "bathroom" when I use an online translator. Weird, right?!

slump.

Ever feel like you're in a slump? I do. I have so many reasons to be happy-I have a loving husband, beautiful children, a super-silly kitty, the list goes on and on. But I'm not happy.

UPDATE: I never finished this post, thus the lack of "content." But I think it is important to save for posterity. I need to be able to look back and see how far I've come. And I need to remember that it's okay to have slumps. Everyone has good days and bad days. So if you're reading this and you feel like you are in a slump, remember that "this too, shall pass."

miami.

Yesterday we made the long journey to the Miami VA. Boy, was it long. We left home at 6am and didn't get back into town until 6pm. Mr. M was of course, unable to drive, so I had to do all the driving and was completely exhausted. The last time we went, I was allowed to sit with Mr. M, and relax and prepare for the drive home. This time however, they decided that I was not allowed to stay, so I was left to wander the hospital alone. I tried to study, but the cafeteria got too loud when lunchtime rolled around. There were waiting rooms, but the chairs were uncomfortable. So I eventually wandered. At least I got some exercise!

I did visit Mr. M every so often, to see if he needed me to bring him some food or a drink, and just to see how the infusion was going. I may have mentioned before that the second infusion is usually the scariest, because Mr. M can have an allergic reaction to the medication. But things went well. He did have high blood pressure, which concerned the doctor, but it did go down, and they eventually let me stay the last half hour of the infusion. That was a blessing, because I got to sit in a big, squishy recliner and took a nap! After that, I felt much better.

There were some other complications that bugged (the VA always has complications that bug), but other than that things went well. In fact, two good things came out of this visit.

1. We were able to get a Spinal Cord Injury patient parking sticker. Sure this seems trivial, but we were happier than ever to get it. Parking at the Miami VA is a complete nightmare, even if you are handicapped. But not every person who is handicapped has a spinal cord injury, which MS patients are considered to have, so we were eligible for a "special" handicapped parking spot. Hooray! This means no more driving around aimlessly, hoping that someone will leave so that we can get ANY kind of parking spot.

2. Mr. M's new neurologist, who resides at the Miami VA, and who I just LOVE, agreed to help us get Social Security Disability for Mr. M! What a blessing! His grumpy neurologist in Palm Beach, intelligent as she may be, does not have the bedside manner that this woman has. We tried to get a letter from her in the past, and she actually refused. But now we have someone on our side. This is the third attempt, after all. Now we just have to convince the lawyer to take our case. The one we originally found had to refer us to someone else, and they never called us back, so now we are stuck with a nation-wide firm, who hopefully has time for us.

Things are still hard, but every now and then things seem to look up. I know someone on the other side is watching out for us.

on the road again.

Tomorrow we will be travelling to Miami so that Mr. M can get his second dose of Tysabri. Details of the trip to come...

does the journey seem long?

I heard this hymn today and was uplifted.

"Does The Journey Seem Long?"

Does the journey seem long,
The path rugged and steep?
Are there briars and thorns on the way?
Do sharp stones cut your feet
As you struggle to rise
To the heights thru the heat of the day?

Let your heart be not faint
Now the journey’s begun;
There is One who still beckons to you.
So look upward in joy
And take hold of his hand;
He will lead you to heights that are new.

Thank you, Heavenly Father. It was just what I needed.

happy new year.

Happy New Year, 2010.

May this year bring us one step closer to finding a cure for MS.

the blame game.

Man, have we been at each other's throats lately! The kids have been rotten, which never helps, and in the season where you just want to spend money, not having any makes it really hard. Mr. M's bi-polar mania is so out of control. He thinks he needs new clothes, Ithink he doesn't, since he never goes anywhere or does anything anyway. It's frustrating. Mr. M loves to shop, which is cool, but he doesn't know when to stop.

We got into it big-time last night. I was awful. He says I know exactly which buttons to push to make him feel horrible, and he's right. I felt awful, and I deserved to. I know it is not his fault, but I blame him for his problems. I blame him for "ruining my life." He blames me for not understanding. No one wins in this blame game.

It takes so much PATIENCE and UNDERSTANDING to care for someone with MS. Those are two virtues that I am not the best at, but I am working on it. I saw a quote on someone else's blog today that I want to share:

"Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come."
~Joseph F. Smith

One day things will be better.

keep moving forward.

"Meet the Robinsons" is one of my favorite movies. This morning, my girls wanted to watch it, so I sat down with them. We made french toast with pumpkin pie spice instead of cinnamon, and it turned out great! After we filled our bellies, we started the movie. I've seen it before, but this time a phrase stuck out-

"Let go of the past and keep moving forward."

KEEP MOVING FORWARD is the main theme in this film. And I believe in it. We, as caregivers, will have bad days. We will want to give up. We will want to give in. But we must KEEP MOVING FORWARD. So, for today, that is my motto. I am going to play with my children and be happy.

I am going to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

enjoy yourself.

**NOTE: If you are also a reader of my personal blog, this post is the same as the one on there. I felt it pertained to both this time.**

A few days ago, we was eating at Szechuan Palace, one of our favorites. We were tired and the girls were grumpy, but it was so late that we just wanted to eat something decent and quick (not fast food) for dinner before we went to bed. We happened to be seated in a corner of the restaurant where we have never sat before. In this corner, there was a little sign that said "Enjoy yourself. It is later than you think." At first I thought it was talking about drinking and how the drinkers should hurry up before the bar closed, but as I continued to eat my yummy deliciousness, I kept thinking about that sign. My eyes kept returning to it, reading it over and over again. And I came to the conclusion that it was in fact NOT talking about alcohol. Instead, it was talking about life. MY LIFE.

I have been glum. Since before Thanksgiving, I have been fighting depression. Some days are good, others not so much. Lately it has been hard to fight it. I sit at home and watch Mr. M sleep, day in and day out. I feel hopeless and helpless. Our closet collapsed a few days ago, so there was a whole other mess of things to add to the already covered floor. Our new apartment is just too small for us. But there is nothing we can do. We have gotten rid of most everything that we could. When we finally called maintenance to fix our closet, I was left alone to move EVERYTHING out of the way so that the job could be done. It made me sad. It made me feel overwhelmed. I wanted to just throw it all away. I actually got down on the floor and cried. I begged Mr. M to get up. I felt like a two year old throwing a tantrum. It was ridiculous, I know. The cat came over to see if I was ok, then I got up and started to try and clear out the closet. Mr. M would not get out of bed, and I had to put everything somewhere, so I just piled it all on the bed on top of him. Then I started bagging things up. I was going to throw things away. But just at the last second, when I thought I couldn't take anymore, Mr. M got up and helped me. Maintenance soon came, and I took the girls and left the house. It felt good to get away with just them.

Back to the sign.

Seeing those words made me realize that I don't have forever to be happy. It is later than I think. Time on Earth is short. We know that. It should not be wasted feeling angry or sad. We should find "joy in the journey." This is hard to do. But at least I have recognized that I need to try and find some happiness, even if it is just a smidge, each day. Life is too short to be depressed all the time.

I don't know where that sign came from. Perhaps my great-grandfather put it there (he is known for his "trinkets") or maybe it is something that the restaurant owners found. Either way, I am grateful that it was there to lift me up. Thank you, little sign.

how to avoid caregiver burnout.

Being a caregiver can be really HARD. Some people might wonder, "How can caring for someone you love be hard?" It just is. As a caregiver, you get tired. You ask, "Why me?" You wonder if things will ever be "normal." Oftentimes, you forget about yourself, which, while selfless and Christlike, can also lead to the downfall of the caregiver. The disease goes much further than the patient. It affects the whole family, in many different ways.

At one time or another, I have had all of these thoughts, and more. I have let myself go. I don't believe in drinking, smoking, or drug use, so when things get hard for me, I turn to food. But really, food can be just as harmful as any of the above. Luckily, I have recognized that fault in myself and am now working to correct that situation, but I have gained a significant amount of weight in the meantime, which I am going to have to work off. That is going to be hard, too. It is unfortunate that I didn't find another way to release the stress that I was feeling. For that reason, I am writing this post. I am hoping that somebody out there will read this and know that they are not alone.

There are many resources available for caregivers of all kinds. Since I am a caregiver for an MS patient, I am going to focus on that.

1.) The National MS Society-www.nationalmssociety.org-1-800-FIGHTMS
The NMSS is an amazing resource. It is the first one that my husband and I joined when we found out that he had MS. They offer literature, support groups, family activities, and more. Before we moved to our current location, Mr. M and myself went to the monthly support group, where we made many friends and were able to talk freely about all things MS. We also attended many family activities, including a baseball game and a trip to a local farm. The NMSS also puts on the MS Walk, one of the biggest fundraisers for MS research. We have participated in the walk twice, and one year I won an award for being one of the top fundraisers!

2.) The Multiple Sclerosis Association of America-www.msassociation.org-1-800-532-7667
Like the NMMS, the MSAA is also a non-profit organization that is dedicated to "enrich the quality of life for EVERYONE affected by MS." They have a magazine called The Motivator, which always has tons of helpful articles for the patient and the caregiver. Their website is also a great place to visit. There you can find "lifelines" to help you, such as an 800-number that you can call for help or reassurance, a lending library, and a list of support groups.

3.) The Multiple Sclerosis Foundation-www.msfocus.com
This website offers a list of support groups and ideas on how to get help. They are also offering a CRUISE for people with MS and their families in the year 2010. The trip is a bit pricey, but if you can afford it, it looks like it would be a great way to relax amongst other people dealing with MS. During the cruise, educational lectures are offered for the patients and their families.

4.) Your local library
Your local library should have several resources, such as self-help literature or even groups that meet there weekly or monthly. If a certain book is not available at your specific library, you can ask to do an inter-library loan, which would allow your library to borrow the book from another library, and then lend it to you.

5.) Meet with your Bishop, Pastor, or Clergy
One of the best people you can talk to is someone who shares your faith. They can give you insight and uplifting messages that are sometimes all you need to feel better. Many are sworn to secrecy, so you shouldn't feel like they are going to share your problems with anyone. Even if you are not a church-goer, these people are usually willing to lend an ear if you need someone to talk to.

6.) Do something for yourself
Whether it be going out with friends, going shopping or going to the movies, or even just taking a drive, be sure that you do SOMETHING for yourself at least once a month. This will give you "away" time, a time where you can focus on you and not feel guilty about it. Exercise is also a great way to relieve stress, and you will feel better about yourself if you can commit to doing it.

Whatever it is you decide to do, be sure that you do it for you. Your loved one is of the utmost importance to you, and if you wear out, who will take your place? By taking care of yourself, you are taking care of your MS patient.



**DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor. The above information is to be used at your own risk. The things that I have listed are partly my own opinions that I have formed from experience, and partly from the above mentioned websites.

bitter.

Today I have felt so angry. Mr. M went to bed before 9:00 last night. We usually spend time together at night. It is our time to be alone, without the kids running around. We talk, watch TV or a movie, and just enjoy each others company. But on the days when he is extra tired, he goes to bed early. I should be grateful that he went to bed after 8pm. There have been many times where he has been so exhausted that he couldn't even make it to dinner. Still, I was being selfish and wanted more time with him last night. One of my biggest problems I have with his fatigue is that I feel lonely when he is asleep. I feel like the dreamworld gets to see him more than I do. Mr. M is fully aware of how I feel, and last night he promised me that he would wake up early this morning and help me with some errands.

But when morning came, he couldn't do it. Again, I was left alone. Again, I was promised that he would be there for me, and he wasn't. I took the girls to school, hoping that he would be able to get up when I got back. Instead, I said some hurtful things to him and went on my way. I felt like crying, but I had to be somewhere public, someplace where people knew me and would ask what was wrong. So I held it in and kept my sunglasses on, just in case. Sometimes I hate living like this. I wish my life was more "normal." I wish my husband was healthy.

Today I have been so bitter. I know I have so much to be thankful for. I am blessed to be a wife and mother. I am blessed to know that there is a God, who loves us, cares for us, and provides for us. And I have been blessed with wonderful friends. As the Thanksgiving holiday approaches, I am going to try and focus on the good. I know it helps to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes it is hard. I need to remind myself of the wonderful blessings that abound in my life.

welcome.

Hi! Thanks for checking out my blog. My name is Mrs. M. I am starting this blog for many reasons, but mostly because I want to connect with other caregivers out there. You see, I am an MS caregiver. My husband was diagnosed with MS in 2001 and I have been his caregiver ever since. Like many of you, we have our story about the diagnosis, the struggles that came with it, and now the daily grind of living life with MS. But I will save our story for another time. Right now I just want to get myself "out there." I hope that you will find my posts interesting, helpful, and enlightening, because let's face it-when you are dealing with MS, you need some enlightenment every now and then. It is HARD, not just for the person with MS, but also for their loyal caregiver. Oftentimes I survive on my faith alone to get me through. God has helped me through so much thus far and has never let me down. I am THANKFUL for that. Please join me on this journey, as I strive to look for the meaning in all of this, as I strive to make peace with this horrible disease. I think I can learn a lot from you and maybe you can in turn learn something from me.